Walmart has two dollar vietnamese language Legally Blonde DVDs? YES! Not that I want it or will ever watch it but it's only two dollars! Four dollar toasters?! Sure this cheaply assembled, barely functional piece of crap will catch fire the third time I try to toast multiple bagel halves simultaneously, but HEY, I'd buy a dead opossum from a drifter for four dollars! HOLY SH*T! There's a 46in TV on sale for ONLY one month's rent! That would look so amazing in my cat's linen closet. Oooo, and here's a 7in touch screen GPS device with the sexy voice upgrade, including maps for the migratory patterns of Alaskan caribou! I know that I never leave my city, but since I never bothered learning to read the map that I can get for 98 cents at any gas station, I NEED THIS NOW.
I frigging LOVE going out to SPEND LOTS of MONEY on STUFF THAT I DIDN'T know I NEEDED! 26% interest on that credit card? No problem! I'M TOTALLY SAVING SOOO much MONEY by BUYING IT NOW! STOP QUESTIONING AND COME SHOPPING WITH ME YOU UN-AMERICAN ANTI-HOLIDAY NAZI-COMMUNIST!!! AHHH!
*sells soul for fleece sweater, silly bands, and night vision golf ball locator*
And don't forget to wear your curlers. Wouldn't want to hold onto any of that dignity stuff while you shop.